Much of this afternoon was spent writing my last post. And now, having sent it out into the world I am a little deflated. I recognise this phenomenon as one I have experienced before – and the more time you spend thinking and crafting, the stronger the feeling.
My blog is for me really – as so many say. But I cannot deny the bit of me that would appreciate it if even a small level of attention and response comes through occasionally (even if on the other hand I also recognise my own weakness in being afeared of and quailing at criticism). If I really wanted it to be read by no-one no doubt I could choose to write but not publish (even acknowledging the reality that “publishing” makes me parse, edit and craft my writing, rather than just spewing out words as they fall).
However, my dilemma now is that my last post was actually quite important to me. And I’d sort of like some family and friends to be able to read it if they would like to. But I’ve set up this blog and this Twitter to enable some confidentiality and anonymity around my adoption stuff. So … do I tell folk in “real life” it is here? I do have a (somewhat unexciting and very dormant) blog in “real life” too – should I have posted my last article on there instead? But the story it tells is linked into my adoption life too and actually it feels right to share it here. (This dilemma of where to write is part of why I have only just got around to writing it at all on either blog!)
In the past I have never been good at having categories and boxes in my life – pretty well all my friends and family know each other; and I like it that way. My life is a fairly open book, and I really know no other way of being. As such, one of my worries around blogging and twitter and adoption has from the start been how I will manage this issue. I am not surprise it has arisen so quickly, and suspect it will, until I somehow resolve it, come up again and again. I have been so much loved and supported in my journey towards adoption by my family friends, that I also feel I want them to be able to accompany me as I travel. On the other hand, one day – everything crossed – there will be small person(s) in my life who truly will need me to keep their intimate stuff private, and their personal lives confidential: it was that thought process that launched me on this path in the first place.
The way I feel now – and being true to myself – I suspect I will in fact soon start sharing that this blog exists with those family and friends and I will have to deal with the other challenges later – after all they are amazing enough to be willingly be accompanying me on this journey and even offering to make it a part of their own journeys too … and it would honour their commitment to me I feel to share with them my thoughts as I travel on.
However, as I ponder still and have not yet acted, do any of you have views in the meantime – would sharing be the wrong thing to do? How have others navigated this? What can I learn from those of you so much wiser than me? Your patient student awaits your hopeful tuition …