I am happy.
It is not a simple happiness. I am also fearful. I doubt. I sometimes get excited. And sometimes I am sad. Often I am thoughtful. I read and I think and I wonder. I talk, endlessly, to those friends and family I trust – they are tolerant, excited for me, genuinely interested, slightly amused I suspect (long may it last – I will try not to wear out the elastic of their tolerance!). I sometimes bounce around. I cry. I delight. I wonder.
Just this morning though I had the simple and great insight that I am happy.
I cannot know the future. I cannot know whether the new jigsaw of my life will end up looking rounded and complete, or will end up looking a bit like any jigsaw where a few crucial pieces of sky have been lost down the back of the sofa. But it is a jigsaw I am excited to be putting together, intent on putting together as best I can. Or maybe a different metaphor would be better: maybe I should be thinking in terms of old-fashioned lego, when you can create many things from the same pieces depending on how creative and thoughtful you can be.
There is so so far to go on this journey of mine. I have yet to see my PAR, yet to experience matching “for real”, yet to go to any kind of formal panel. The many complexities, pains, turbulence, love and joys of actual parenting are yet but a distant country wherein I will begin a whole new journey. Indeed, at any point my journey of many miles may come to an abrupt and incredibly painful halt before I even reach that distant, enticing, scary, beautiful, strange country. All these things I recognise and accept. Yet, despite such realism I am so glad I am on the way, so pleased to be on this journey.
Yes, I am happy.